Things my new MP3 player told me

I finally joined the digital age and bought my first MP3 player.  Big deal, right?  Yeah, that was my thought, too.  Until I realized how much my MP3 had to say.  My advice to anyone who cares is, don't let anyone look through your MP3 player unless you want them to know who you really are.  This is my story.

*fiddles with controls*  What's this option?  I've never seen "Personality Assessment" on here before...let me click and see....

*BEEP*  Results pending, please wait.  *pause*  Son, you are a lesbian.

Wait...what??

You heard me.  You are a lesbian.

How is that even possible?

Are you doubting me?  As of today you have loaded four albums.  Those four albums are Marina and the Diamonds, Spinnerette, L7, and--

--Yes, yes I know what albums I've loaded, but I haven't had a chance to put any of my cd's on.  I just downloaded those albums on a lark.

A lark?  Who even says that anymore?  Besides, one download is a lark; four is a pattern.  A lesbian pattern.

OK, I get it.  Let me put some of my cd's on and then you can reassess, alright?

Sure.  I wouldn't want to seem unaccommodating to the lesbian community.

//Two weeks later//

Alright, now let's try this...*click*

*BEEP*  Results pending, please wait.  *pause*  You are mildly depressive with hints of an anger problem.  And a lesbian.  A lesbian with enough good taste to like Johnny Cash.

Hang on!  NONE of that is true at all!

You don't like Johnny Cash?  Then why did you put it on here?

That's not what I meant, and you know it!  I mean, I am neither depressive nor angry.

Are you sure?  Because you sound a little angry right now.

No, I'm just a little frustrated with a certain piece of Chinese made technology.

Hey, the Chinese make some quality stuff these days.  I don't think I like your tone.

Oh, gee, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.  Now, wait.  What about all of the Clutch stuff I put on here?  Doesn't that count for anything?

Sure, I stand corrected.  You are a cool, angry and depressed lesbian.

Where do you get the "angry and depressed"?

Angry-- see:  Pantera, Danzig, System of a Down, and Damageplan.  Mildly depressive-- see:  The Smiths, The Distillers, and the Cure.

Oh, come on.  Its all good music.

I'm not arguing the quality.  I am just working the algorithm and telling you what it says about you.

I should've bought an iPod. 

Sony thanks you for your purchase.