Kitchen sinks, drains, and other things I have ruined this week

The Queen Bee asked me to take a look at her sink because it had been draining slowly and the Drano wasn't doing the trick.  Naturally, I couldn't pass up an opportunity to earn Brownie points and simultaneously prove my worth, so I smiled and said, "Of course."  That was to be my last smile of the day.

I figured the drain trap was probably clogged, so I promptly removed it.  Clean and clear; only the remnants of the water/Drano mix were to be found.  (Note to self:  Next time, wear rubber gloves and roll up your sleeves so that they don't get bleached from the old Drano.)  I reported my findings, or lack thereof, to the Queen Bee and put her drain back together.  She looked under the sink and saw that it was leaking.  To which I said, "Oh, I must not have tightened that collar tight enough.  Let me give it another turn..."  *POP!*

If you have never worked on plastic drain pipes, let me tell you that "pop" is not a sound you want to hear when tightening the pipes back together.  "Pop" is usually followed by an immediate "SPLASH!" then the gentle sounds of a river flowing over small cliff, followed shortly after by the sounds of a madman letting loose a litany of....shall we say, vulgarities?  I shout for the Queen Bee to get me some towels, STAT!  I'm trying to hold the two pieces of drain pipe together to stem the flow of water when the Queen Bee informs that she "only has good towels left," and offered me a few Bounty paper towels.  Meanwhile, I am watching this concoction of water, drain grease, and, of course, Drano flow through the hole beneath the sink that the pipe comes up through and I notice I can see light from the apartment downstairs.  As I try to stop this river of toxins with my two Bounty paper towels, I am waiting for the screams from downstairs, "My eye! My EYE!  Oh, Dear GOD, I think I'm blind!"  The screams never came, and eventually the water stops flowing.  Time to make a trip to the hardware store to replace the pipe I broke.

 Not only did I return to the Queen Bee's with a new piece of pipe, but I also bought a bottle of Rooto Professional Drain Opener.  Which is just a fancy way of saying Sulfuric Acid.  I'm going to get this drain open, come Hell or high water.  I didn't realize how prophetic that whole "high water" thing was going to be.

I replaced the pipe, and poured some of the opener down the drain.  I felt reassured of the effectiveness of my choice when I saw little wisps of smoke come up from the drain.  I found that the Queen Bee was less reassured when she asked me, "Is it supposed to do that?"  I think I nodded casually and said something like, "Yeah, yeah.  That means its working."  The apartment filled with a stench that I can't really describe.  "Is it supposed to smell like that?"  "Yeah, yeah.  That means its working."

We waited the 20 minutes that label recommended and then poured hot water down the drain.  Or, rather, we filled the bottom of the sink with hot water because now the drain didn't drain at all. (One last note to self:  When you have acid in the drain pipe, DO NOT fill the bottom of the sink with water.  Apparently the acid knows its way back to the sink.  And its angry.  And it will do bad things to the stainless steel.)   The only thing I could come up with was that the drain opener was a victim of its own effectiveness.  What I mean is, I think it worked so well on the upper part of the pipe that it washed all that gunk right down to the original clog and sealed off the pipe the rest of the way.  So, what do you do when something doesn't work the first time?  You try it again, of course.  How did it turn out?  Go back to the last paragraph and re-read it until you get back here.  Just pretend its the next day.  Go ahead, I'll wait right here for you.